The Art of Generous Listening
Heartfelt Conversations with Diana
Have you ever been so busy preparing your response that you completely missed what someone was trying to say?
We've all been there!
In this episode of Heartfelt Conversations with Diana, we're exploring The Art of Generous Listening as we continue our journey through The Night Is Norma series by Dr. Alicia Britt Cholel.
From two people arguing over whether they're looking at a six or a nine to the surprising shadows our personal strengths can cast, we'll discover how humility, perspective, and a willingness to understand can transform our everyday relationships.
We'll explore three practical Building Blocks: listening for the heart, remembering there's more to the story, and pausing before we personalize.
Because generous listening doesn't require us to abandon truth. It helps us understand before we respond.
Generous listening is one way we put the upward pull of love into practice
Join Diana for a heartfelt conversation filled with Scripture, practical wisdom, and a little laughter along the way!
Diana’s Notes
Are You Listening, Or Just Waiting to Talk?
The Night Is Normal Part 14
Hello everybody!!! And welcome back to Heartfelt Conversations with Diana! We are continuing our journey through The Night Is Normal by Dr. Alicia Britt Chole. Today’s conversation is: Are You Listening - or Just Waiting to Talk? LOL!
Now, don't get offended. I'm asking myself the same question! And today, we will chat about the Art of Generous Listening.
Have you ever been in a conversation where someone is talking, and you're nodding your head, making appropriate facial expressions, occasionally throwing in an "uh-huh"...
And frankly, you wish they'd hurry up and finish so you can help them understand how wrong they are! Not that I've ever done that. Obviously. LOL!
We are funny creatures, aren't we? Sometimes we listen just long enough to find the opening where we can insert our own opinion.
Sometimes we hear something that sounds offensive, and before the other person has even finished their sentence, we've already decided what they meant.
And sometimes… We're so busy trying to be understood that we never stop to consider whether we've understood the person standing in front of us.
That's what we're going to talk about today -
The Art of Generous Listening.
Because I believe generous listening is one way we put the upward pull of love into practice.
And that takes us right back to where we left off in our last conversation, When God’s People Disappoint Us.
1. Grace Changes the Lens
In that conversation, I shared some of my journey with my mom and how disappointment, bitterness, and eventually forgiveness led me to see her differently.
And we discovered something I think is worth holding onto:
Grace can change the lens without changing the facts.
What happened doesn't have to be rewritten. We don't have to pretend someone didn't hurt us. We don't have to excuse wrongdoing.
But grace can help us see a person more fully than we could when we were looking at them exclusively through our pain.
My mom had a story I didn't know. She had wounds I didn't understand.
And as I learned more about her, I began to see a woman I hadn't really known before. Not just my mom. A person. And that changed the way I related to her.
Now, today we're going to take that truth into our everyday relationships.
Because once we recognize that people are human… Well, we've still got to figure out how to live with them! And God has put quite a few of us on this planet called Earth. LOL
All with different personalities. Different experiences. Different opinions. Different ways of thinking. And every last one of us seems to believe our particular way of seeing things and doing things makes THE most sense.
At least to us! LOL!
But what if someone else's perspective contains something we haven't considered? And what if learning to listen generously is part of how Jesus teaches us to love?
Alicia uses an illustration in her book involving the numbers six and nine. Imagine two people sitting across from each other at a table. Between them is a number. One person looks down and says: "That's a six." The other person looks at it and says: "No, that's a nine." "Six." "Nine." "SIX!" "NINE!"
And before you know it, they're questioning each other's eyesight, education, and possibly their entire family’s history on whether they have any brains! LOL!
But here's the thing. From where one person is sitting, it looks like a six. From where the other person is sitting, it looks like a nine. They're looking at the same image from different positions. And neither one has thought to get up and walk around the table. To look at it from where the other person is seeing it from. Isn't that something?
Sometimes we're so committed to defending what we see that we never consider changing where we're standing. And this can happen in our families. Our marriages. Our friendships. Our workplaces. And yes… Our churches.
One person says something. Another person hears something completely different. Someone makes a decision. Someone else interprets the decision through an experience the first person knows absolutely nothing about. And suddenly, we have a conflict. Strife. Frustrations. Resentment
But here's an important distinction we have to acknowledge. Not every disagreement is simply a difference in perspective, like the 6 & the 9.
Sometimes someone really has behaved wrongly. Sometimes there are actual facts to establish. Sometimes truth needs to be spoken, accountability is necessary, and boundaries need to be established.
Generous listening does not mean pretending every interpretation is equally accurate. That’s why we are naming it the “ART” of Generous Listening. It means we're willing to understand what another person is actually saying before deciding what to do with it.
And sometimes, understanding requires us to move. To change something, but not necessarily to change our convictions. Maybe simply to consider whether our position at the table is limiting what we can see.
So here's a question: Are we going to be willing to walk around the table before insisting that everyone else has to come to our side?
One of the interesting things Alicia explores is how our personalities and strengths affect the way we hear people.
Examples: Some of us are producers. We like to get things done. Give us a problem, and we're already figuring out how to solve it. Someone comes to us with a concern, and before they've finished explaining it, we've developed a three-point action plan, assigned responsibilities, and scheduled the follow-up meeting. Problem solved!
Except… Maybe they weren't asking us to solve anything. Maybe they just wanted us to listen. Oops.
Then there are the relaters. People and relationships matter deeply to them. They may hear the emotional tone of a conversation before they hear the actual details. And sometimes they can become so concerned about maintaining harmony that a necessary conversation becomes difficult.
Then there are the thinkers. They want to understand the details. They ask questions. They examine information. They want things to make sense. But sometimes, while they're trying to understand the facts, the person speaking may feel as though their feelings have been overlooked altogether.
Now, these aren't boxes we need to squeeze everyone into. They're simply helpful examples of how different strengths can influence communication.
And I love Alicia's observation that our strengths can cast shadows. Think about that. Strength is a good thing. Being productive is good. Caring about relationships is a good thing. Thinking carefully. Applying wisdom- these are all good.
But even good strengths can create difficulties when we're unaware of how they affect other people. Our desire to solve problems can make someone feel unheard. Our desire for harmony can keep us from speaking honestly. Our desire for accuracy can cause us to overlook someone's emotional needs.
And here's the kicker. We can be so focused on the strength we bring to a conversation because we think we have great communication skills - that we never notice the shadow it's casting on the other person. Lord, help us!
Because sometimes the thing we believe we're doing so wonderfully… is the very thing driving somebody else bananas. Batty! Befuddled! LOL!
And that brings us to our first Building Block.
1 Listen for the Heart, Not Just the Words
James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
James instructs believers to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Quick to listen. Slow to speak.
Now, I don't know about you, but there have been moments in my life when I've practiced that in precisely the opposite order. I was Quick to speak. Quick to have an opinion. And then, once I've gotten everything off my mind…Then. Perhaps I'll listen. LOL!
But James gives us Wisdom in the order to respond. Because words don't always communicate everything happening inside a person, someone might sound angry when they're actually afraid. Someone might seem defensive because they feel misunderstood. Someone might be struggling to express something that is genuinely important to them.
And we shouldn't assume we know their hidden motives. That's why we ask. That's why we listen. That's why we give people room to finish what they're trying to say. BEFORE we inject, interrupt. Blow Up!
Most times, the most loving and wise thing we can do is simply ask a question:
"Can you help me understand what you mean?" Or… "Am I hearing you correctly?" Or even… "Do you need me to help you solve this, or do you just need me to listen?"
That's a good one! Because sometimes I am ready to arrive with my toolbox, and the person doesn't need a carpenter. They need a friend.
And if I'm so busy hammering away at their problem that I never hear their heart… I may have tried to fix something they weren't asking me to fix while completely missing what they did need.
Generous listening isn't merely hearing someone's words. It's making room to understand what they're trying to communicate.
And that requires humility. It requires patience. And occasionally...
It requires keeping our mouths closed long enough for the other person to finish a sentence. Imagine that! LOL!
This week, when someone shares something important with you, resist the urge to jump immediately into advice.
Let them finish. Ask one thoughtful question. And before responding, try saying: "So, what I'm hearing you say is..." Then give them the opportunity to clarify.
You might discover that what you thought they meant… wasn't what they meant at all. And you just saved yourself an entire argument or giving advice they weren’t asking for! Embarrassing!! LOL!
You know, one of the things my journey with my mom taught me was how little I sometimes knew about someone I thought I knew so well.
I knew her as my mother. I knew what I expected from her as my mom. I knew how certain decisions she made growing up affected me. But I didn't know everything that had shaped her. And for years, I interpreted much of our relationship through the pain I carried.
Then I began learning more. And as I did, my understanding changed. The facts didn't change. My perspective did. Now, that doesn't mean every difficult person has a hidden story that will eventually explain everything.
And even when we do understand someone's history, it doesn't automatically excuse their behavior. But it can remind us that our understanding may be incomplete.
We know what someone said. We may not know why they said it.
We know how something affected us. We may not know how it affected the other person.
And if we're not careful, we begin filling in the missing information ourselves. We assume. We interpret. We assign motives. And before long, we've created an entire story about someone… without ever asking them a single question.
Friends, our imaginations can be incredibly productive when they get a little help from offense!
LOL!
But imagination is not the same thing as information.
Which brings us to Building Block number two.
2. Remember, There Is More to the Story
Proverbs 18:13 (NLT): Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.
Proverbs warns us about answering before listening. And I think that applies to more than interrupting someone in the middle of a sentence.
We can answer before listening in our hearts. We can decide what someone means before we've actually understood them. We can form a judgment based on one conversation, one expression, or one moment.
And then we begin relating to that person through the conclusion we've already reached.
But what if we pushed pause? What if we allowed for the possibility that we don't have all the information? What if we became curious instead of immediately becoming defensive?
If someone has demonstrated a pattern of harmful behavior, we don't ignore that pattern. If there's wrongdoing, we address it. But when the situation is uncertain, we don't manufacture or invent motives.
We simply learn to say: "I don't know the whole story yet."
Now, there's freedom in that sentence! LOL
Because now I don't have to be the judge, the jury, the investigator, and the prosecuting attorney all at once. Don’t we do that sometimes? Or am I the only one? LOL!
I am learning to ask questions. I listen from the heart. Seeking understanding. And learning to trust God to give me wisdom in the conversation or situation.
The next time you're tempted to assume someone's motives, ask yourself: "What do I actually know?" "What am I assuming?" "And is there something I could ask that would help me understand?" Sometimes the answer will confirm what you already suspected. Sometimes it will surprise you.
But either way, you'll be responding to better information rather than simply reacting to your interpretation. Understanding more doesn't require us to agree with everything. It helps us respond more wisely to what is actually true.
Now, let's talk about another little habit we humans have. Lol Personalizing. Anybody???
Someone walks past us without saying hello. And immediately… "Well! I wonder what THEIR problem is!" LOL! I am guilty of that one! Maybe they're upset with us. But maybe, just maybe, they're distracted. Maybe they're dealing with something difficult. Maybe they genuinely didn't see us. But we've already decided that they’re being a jerk and ignoring us. How rude! LOL
And now we're mentally reviewing every conversation we've had with them over the last six months. "What did I say?" "What did I do?" "I knew I shouldn't have told them that!" LOL!
Now, sometimes someone really is upset with us. Sometimes there's a conversation that needs to happen. But not every expression, tone, delay, or disagreement is a personal attack. And if we treat everything as though it is, we can exhaust ourselves trying to manage situations that may not even exist.
I know something about this. Sometimes my opinion feels the need to be heard. Sometimes I want to explain myself. Sometimes I want to make absolutely certain that everyone understands what I meant.
And sometimes… The most peaceful thing I can do is recognize that I don't need to respond to every little thing.
I don't need to correct every misunderstanding immediately. And I certainly don't need to turn every uncomfortable moment into a courtroom.
Which leads us to our final Building Block.
3. Pause Before You Personalize
Proverbs 19:11 (NLT): Sensible people control their temper; they earn respect by overlooking wrongs.
Proverbs connects wisdom with patience and the ability to overlook an offense. Now, overlooking an offense doesn't mean ignoring serious wrongdoing. We're talking about the everyday friction, natural differences - of living with other human beings.
The awkward comments. The misunderstandings. The different opinions. The moments when someone's tone doesn't quite sit right with us. Not everything requires a confrontation. And not everything requires an interpretation. Sometimes… We can just let a moment be a moment.
Imagine the peace! LOL!
But when something does need to be addressed, a pause can help us respond instead of react. We can ask questions to gain a better understanding. "Did I understand that correctly?" "Is something bothering you?" "Can we talk about what happened?"
And we can do that without assuming the worst. Ephesians 4 teaches us to speak the truth in love.
Ephesians 4:15 (NIV): Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Notice that we don't have to choose between truth and love. We're called to practice both.
Love doesn't require dishonesty. And truth doesn't require cruelty.
Generous listening doesn't silence the truth. It gives us a better opportunity to speak it with understanding - in love.
Our goal isn't to become people who never disagree. Our goal is to become people who can disagree without abandoning the character of Jesus.
The next time something feels personal, pause before responding. Ask yourself: "Do I know this was directed at me?" "Could there be another explanation?" "Does this require a conversation, or can I simply release it?"
And if a conversation is needed, approach it with honesty and humility. Not every misunderstanding needs a battle. And not every disagreement needs a winner. Sometimes we just need to understand each other a little better.
Now, I want to bring us back to something we discovered in our last episode.
Commit to the upward pull of love.
Because there's a downward pull to offense. A downward pull to assuming the worst. A downward pull to needing to be right. A downward pull to winning every argument. And when we follow that pull, we can become so focused on defending ourselves that we forget about the person standing across from us.
Jesus calls us higher. Toward humility. Toward patience. Toward compassion. Toward truth. Toward love.
Philippians 2:3–4 (NIV): Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
Philippians encourages us to value others and consider their interests, not only our own. That doesn't mean our needs don't matter.
It means we're learning to recognize that someone else's needs matter too. And that's where the ART of generous listening becomes such a practical expression of love.
Because when I listen generously, I'm saying: "Your perspective matters enough for me to consider it." "Your words matter enough for me to hear them." "Our relationship matters enough for me to seek understanding rather than simply insist on being right."
Now, that doesn't mean we will ever agree with everything someone says. LOL
If always having to agree were a requirement for loving people, we'd all be in trouble! LOL!
But we can disagree respectfully. We can ask questions. We can acknowledge something we hadn't considered. We can apologize when we've misunderstood. And we can speak the truth without using it as a weapon.
Generous listening is not the absence of conviction. It's the presence of humility. And I think that's something worth practicing.
Because Kingdom thoughts lead to Kingdom ways, and Kingdom ways lead to Kingdom-living days… That means access to all God has for us. His abundant Life that Jesus died to give to us - Right here. Right now! On earth!
Before we close, I want to leave us with a few questions.
When someone is speaking, am I truly listening—or am I preparing my response?
Do I tend to assume I know what people mean without asking?
Have I allowed my perspective to cast shadows over my relationships?
And perhaps most importantly...
Am I willing to walk around the table before insisting that everyone else come over to my side?
Now, remember. Walking around the table doesn't mean surrendering the truth.
It means we're willing to see what we may have missed. And sometimes, we might discover something surprising. Maybe it really does look like a nine from over there. Who knew? LOL!
But here's the beautiful part. Even when we don't agree, we can still choose to treat each other with dignity. We can speak honestly. We can listen generously. We can extend grace. And we can allow Jesus to teach us how to love.
As we approach the end of this journey through The Night Is Normal, I keep coming back to a question.
Who are we becoming because we've walked through difficult seasons? Night Seasons?
Are we becoming more bitter? Or more gracious? More defensive? Or more willing to understand? More determined to control everything? Or more willing to trust God with what we cannot control?
Perhaps one of the ways we'll recognize what He's been teaching us is in how we begin treating the people around us.
Not perfectly. After all, we are human. We're still learning.
And occasionally, we're still going to insist that it's a six when somebody else is absolutely convinced it's a nine! LOL!
But maybe we'll be a little quicker to listen. A little slower to assume.
A little more willing to ask questions. And a little more committed to the upward pull of love.
Because… The Art of Generous Listening is one way we put the upward pull of love into practice.
Father, thank You for Your patience with us. Thank You that You continue teaching us how to live and love like Jesus. Lord, help us become people who listen generously. When we're tempted to interrupt, teach us patience. When we're tempted to assume the worst, give us humility. When we're tempted to take everything personally, help us pause and seek understanding. Show us where our opinions and personal perspectives may be casting shadows that we haven't recognized. Give us wisdom to know when to speak, when to listen, when to extend grace, and when truth requires a difficult conversation. Help us never confuse love with dishonesty or forgiveness with excusing what is wrong. Teach us to speak truth in love and to treat others with the dignity You have given them. And Lord, as we continue walking through the night, keep shaping our hearts. May we become people who reflect Your goodness, Your compassion, and Your faithfulness. Help us commit ourselves to the upward pull of love. And let the things we're learning become the way we live.
In Jesus' name, we ask these things. Amen.
Hey! Thank you for joining me for another Heartfelt Conversation.
I hope you will join me next time, as we begin bringing this journey through The Night Is Normal toward its final conclusion.
And I want us to think about this: What do we take with us when the night season has changed us? Because the journey isn't simply about getting through the darkness. It's about continuing to walk with Jesus—whatever season comes next.
Remember:
Faith grows deepest in the places we would not have chosen.
And everything we are not has been covered by the blood of Jesus.
Please - like us & follow us on our Heartfelt Conversations with Diana Facebook page! Help us to get the Gospel of the Good News out to more people!
And on our Facebook page, you will find Daily Delights with Diana - short, easy-to-read daily encouragements to get your day started with our LORD.
Also, you can join us online for Sunday service at Valley Family Church! If you are nearby, please join us for the 9 AM or the 11:15 services.
You can find the link for Valley’s Sunday service, the notes from today’s podcast, and perfect teaching on this subject from Co-Founding Pastor Beth Jones - Get A Grip On Your Lip AND a teaching from Senior Pastor Eric Jones: I’m Just Doing What I’m Told!
You can find all of it on our website -heartfeltconversations.com
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. – Romans 15:13 (NLT)
And for the record… I think it's a nine. LOL! ❤️
God bless & I’ll see ya next time on Heartfelt Conversations with Diana!
Pastor Beth’s message:
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Foundational Encouraging Verses:
Isaiah 42:16: God’s Word Translation: I will lead the blind on unfamiliar roads. I will lead them on unfamiliar paths. I will turn darkness into light in front of them. I will make rough places smooth. These are the things I will do for them, and I will never abandon them.
Isaiah 54:10: Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you.
Psalm 119:105: Your word is a light unto our path and a light unto our feet.
Isaiah 54:17: But in that coming day, no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the LORD; their vindication will come from me. I, the LORD, have spoken!
Isaiah 52:12: (EASY) But you will not have to hurry and run away. No, the Lord, Israel's God, will keep you safe. He will lead you at the front, and He will be your guard at the back.
Isaiah 46:10: “I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.’”
Matthew 7:11: So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
1 Peter 2:23 tells us: When He was insulted, He did not answer back with an insult; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but placed His hopes in God, the righteous Judge.
Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
1 Peter 2:12 says, “Live such good lives among the pagans that… they may see your good deeds and glorify God.”
The New Living Translation reads it this way: Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20: "I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Now choose life."
Luke 6:37: “Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”
Matthew 6:14: If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you.
Romans 8:31 in the AMP Bible tells us: What then shall we say to all these things? If God is for us, who can be [successful] against us?
Psalm 65:11: You crown the year with a bountiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance.
Psalm 32:8: The LORD says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Proverbs 15:3: The Lord sees everything, whether good or bad.
1 Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you.
Additional Resources:
Steven Furtick: Triggered Taking Back Your Mind in the Age of Anxiety
Beth Jones: Getting a Grip on the Basics is a great resource to help you get the basics of how vital you are to God and how good He desires to be to you
https://www.thebasicsuniversity.com
Joyce Meyer: The Mind is a Battlefield - https://joycemeyer.org
Prayer of Salvation
Jesus has given salvation, healing, and countless benefits to all who call upon His name. These benefits can be yours if you receive Him into your heart by saying this prayer:
Heavenly Father, I come to You admitting that I am a sinner. Right now, I choose to turn away from sin, and I ask You to cleanse me of all unrighteousness. I believe that Jesus rose again from the dead so that I may be justified and made righteous through faith in Him. I call upon the name of Jesus Christ to be the Savior and Lord of my life. Jesus, I choose to follow You, and I ask that You fill me with the power of the Holy Spirit. I declare right now that I am a born-again child of God. I am free from sin and full of the righteousness of God. I am saved in Jesus’ name. Amen.
This prayer and the comment above were taken out of the book:
Secrets to Powerful Prayer - Discovering the Languages of the Heart
By Lynne Hammond and Patsy Cameneti
If you have just received Jesus as your Savior, please write Lynne Hammond Ministries at:
PO Box 29469
Minneapolis, Minnesota 55429-2946
Or, email one of the ministries listed on the Additional Resources Tab and let them know that you are a brand-new Christian and need some direction on the next steps for your new life in Christ.
Or email us here at Heartfelt Conversations with Diana, and we will forward your information to you.
Congratulations if you are a brand new Christian or if you have Returned Home! Welcome!!! Get in God’s Word and get it into you.